there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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