If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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