We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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