I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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