I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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