Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
