it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
