Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
