Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
