Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
