she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
