3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
