There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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