you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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