i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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