spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
