Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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