Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
