M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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