my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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