I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
