I want to have your abortion
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i came on her dog
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
