I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
