At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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