There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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