I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
