this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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