well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
