Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
