Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
