dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just had sex on a roof
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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