you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
