To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
tell me about the eggs
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
