I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She's the barista slut.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
