Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
