Someone shit on the floor
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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