You're completely useless in the revolution.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
