if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
