Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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