I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
