You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
