Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
