i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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