we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
