I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
