Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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