My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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