I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
