I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
