I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
