Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
