I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
