I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
