i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
