Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Well I just put wine in my tea
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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