can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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