Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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