You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
