I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I forget how to act sober
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
