Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
